


EPISODE SIX: "Whatever You Want Me To Be"

by gaypetersimmonds



Series: Skam Brighton: Season Five [7]
Category: Original Work, SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Gay Character, Canon Trans Character, Episode 6, Multi, Skam season 5, also for discussion of sex if that makes you uncomfy, because we're getting INTO IT tonight lgbt community, tw for discussion of addiction and quitting substances in clip 3, tw for discussion of pedophilia and racism in clip 4, tw for underage drinking/drug use and drug overdose in clip 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27456817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaypetersimmonds/pseuds/gaypetersimmonds
Summary: Nick Braxton is out of control. Out at parties every weekend - where he gets more money than he spends, takes more drugs than he sells, and kisses more people than he can count. Everyone loves Nick. Except for when he comes home to his family.But Nick doesn't care. Nick doesn't care about anything - not how a lot of his friends have been avoiding him lately, not how tight money has been, and certainly not about failing his classes.He makes people happy with his products and he makes people laugh with his jokes, and that's enough for him - but whether they're laughing with him or at him gets harder to tell day by day.He can't control what he can or can't do, he can't control who he is and, worst of all, he can't control who he falls in love with - seeing as it's the one person who will never love him back. Probably.FIRST CLIP: "He Can Do Anything He Wants"
Series: Skam Brighton: Season Five [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1930417
Comments: 12
Kudos: 10





	1. CLIP ONE: "He Can Do Anything He Wants"

**MONDAY, NOVEMBER 9TH, 08:42**

EXT. STREETS

_"IDK If I'm A Boy" by Blue Foster_ plays as we see a backshot of NICK walking down the street, dressed in plain all-black clothes. His hands are in his pockets and his headphones are in. He stares down at his feet as his hand instinctively reaches to his pocket - the pocket where he usually keeps his vape and cigarettes - but pulls out nothing.

He sighs deeply, hanging his head back, and pushes his headphones deeper into his ears. He steps away from the edge of the pavement, tucking some hair behind his ear as he turns a corner.

INT. HALLWAY, BACA

NICK comes around a corner, still looking down, keeping his face expressionless as possible. He slowly looks up to see JAMES and THEO standing together, leaning against a window. He takes a deep breath, steadying himself, and begins to approach them.

THEO  
Yeah, Jake just texted me in regards to last night; Apparently it’s surprisingly easy to wash vomit out of dog fur. Who knew?

NICK snorts, completely flummoxed, as THEO and JAMES look over at him, THEO’s eyes going wide as JAMES, still looking very depressed, furrows his brow.

THEO  
Nick, holy fuck.

NICK tries to move his face into a casual expression, but he still looks very nervous, his hands fidgeting by his sides.

NICK  
What?

THEO  
You literally disappeared this weekend, why didn’t you answer any of our texts? 

A beat, as THEO looks up at NICK’s hair, NICK quickly looking down and nervously laughing.

THEO  
And what did you do to your hair? I’ve literally never seen it that colour.

NICK awkwardly shrugs.

NICK  
Well, this is the colour it’s meant to be, so… 

THEO nods, looking him up and down.

THEO  
Damn. It looks weird.

NICK tilts his head sarcastically.

NICK  
Thank you?

THEO laughs quickly, trying to make everything less awkward. NICK squints at him - it is  _ not  _ working.

THEO  
I-- I meant 'cause I'm not used to seeing it.

NICK  
Okay.

There’s an awkward silence. NICK looks over at JAMES, who’s sadly staring over at where the GIRL SQUAD are, all of them comforting LIZ.

NICK  
You okay, Jimmy?

JAMES looks over, surprised, and NICK tries to make himself smile.

JAMES  
What? Oh, um, yeah.

THEO squints at JAMES.

THEO  
You smell like weed.

JAMES turns and snaps at him:

JAMES  
And you smell like fucking roses, Theo.

NICK and THEO both look surprised, as JAMES sighs deeply, rubbing his temples.

JAMES  
Sorry, just…

He sighs, trailing off as NICK stares at him, biting his lip, trying to find the right thing to say as THEO looks between them, very confused.

THEO  
Are you two, like… Emotionally okay?

JAMES ignores him and looks up at NICK, who jumps into a more neutral expression.

JAMES  
How's your brother?

NICK is temporarily surprised, his eyebrows raising.

NICK  
What? Oh, he's getting better.

JAMES nods and goes back to staring after LIZ as THEO leans forward, trying to get more into the conversation.

THEO  
What-- What happened?

NICK shrugs, nervously laughing.

NICK  
Just-- Matthew got sick.

He looks down again, awkwardly wiping something non-existent on his face - just trying to appear more innocuous. THEO raises an eyebrow at him.

THEO  
Did you catch something too?

There's a beat. THEO then awkwardly laughs, NICK joining in as he shrugs again.

NICK  
Uh, I don't know. Probably not.

THEO nods.

THEO  
Cool… 

He awkwardly trails off as NICK looks back to JAMES, his hands begin to fidget by his sides again.

THEO  
Um, would anyone like to come over tonight to play something? We can do DC Universe Online, James.

JAMES looks over, not completely there.

JAMES  
Uh, I don't know. Maybe. 

He turns back to the GIRL SQUAD as THEO sighs. NICK tightly smiles as he looks at THEO.

NICK  
I have to study.

THEO scoffs, raising his eyebrows as JAMES looks over, confused.

THEO  
Seriously?

JAMES  
Why?

NICK shrugs, laughing self-consciously.

NICK  
For school?

JAMES looks at him, confused and a bit hurt. NICK furrows his brow, not really understanding him.

JAMES  
Damn.

He goes back to looking at the GIRL SQUAD as THEO nods, looking around, getting more and more anxious as NICK's hands go into his pockets, fidgeting inside of them.

THEO  
So, um…

He awkwardly trails off as JAMES's head hangs low - NICK looks over to see ALISTAIR walking down the hallway, smiling, blissfully unaware. He looks between the BOY SQUAD and the GIRL SQUAD, confused, but still smiling as he walks over to the BOY SQUAD. NICK looks away from him, clenching his jaw.

ALISTAIR  
Hey guys!

There's a murmur of greeting.

ALISTAIR  
Nick, did you get my message?

NICK huffs out a breath, begrudgingly looking up at him.

NICK  
What?

ALISTAIR  
I sent you a link to the Change.org petition to cancel the production of Miss Saigon I've been talking about, it would mean a lot if you can share it as well, to raise more awareness for it.

There's a beat - ALISTAIR is way too enthusiastic compared to the rest of them. NICK and THEO exchange a look, an awkward moment of solidarity, and then NICK looks back at him.

NICK  
Oh, uh, yeah, I'll get on it.

ALISTAIR  
Great!

ALISTAIR nods, bouncing on the balls of his feet, looking between all of them as NICK looks down at his feet again, tapping his toes together.

ALISTAIR  
Why the long faces, guys? Is something wrong?

There's a pause. NICK and THEO both look over at JAMES, who awkwardly laughs.

JAMES  
Um, me and Liz broke up.

ALISTAIR tilts his head to the side, frowning as NICK subtly rolls his eyes, frustrated by his existence.

ALISTAIR  
Oh my God, why?

JAMES  
Just… Growing up.

ALISTAIR awkwardly reaches over NICK and pats JAMES's arm, NICK glowering as THEO pretends to cough, covering up a laugh.

ALISTAIR  
That's bad, I'm really sorry.

JAMES awkwardly nods as ALISTAIR pulls back.

JAMES  
It's not your fault.

NICK gives JAMES a pissed look - saying "it  _ is _ , though" - as JAMES looks away again. The bell rings.

ALISTAIR  
Shit, class time. I gotta… 

He looks over at the GIRL SQUAD as they start to gather themselves.

ALISTAIR  
Wait, am I still allowed to talk to her?

NICK rolls his eyes at ALISTAIR's genuine concern - his hands still fidgeting.

THEO  
[sarcastic] No.

ALISTAIR looks taken aback and scared and NICK stops fidgeting for a moment, guilty for his own jealousy.

JAMES  
He's kidding. You can do whatever you want.

ALISTAIR nods, smiling brightly again.

ALISTAIR  
Okay. Bye!

He walks off, a spring in his step that makes NICK sigh, rolling his eyes to himself.

NICK  
[mutters] Yeah, he can do anything he wants.

THEO looks at him, confused.

THEO  
Did you say something?

NICK quickly shakes his head, smiling awkwardly.

NICK  
Just that I gotta get to class. See you later.

JAMES looks over at him, still upset.

JAMES  
Oh, bye.

NICK nods. He reaches out to touch him, but pulls back, pretending to run a hand through his hair.

NICK  
Feel better.

JAMES  
You too.

NICK nods and starts to walk off, his smile falling the second he turns around.

THEO  
Yeah, both of you… do that.

THEO sighs as JAMES heads off down the hall, NICK going in the other direction and looking back to watch JAMES go.


	2. CLIP TWO: "You Shouldn't Listen To Me"

**TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 10TH, 17:14**

INT. LIVING ROOM, NICK'S HOUSE

NICK sits on the sofa, laptop in his lap, completely alone. He's typing slowly, pressing each key individually as he scans his across the screen, trying to pay attention to what he's writing, but it all just blurs in front of him.

He sighs, pulling back to rub his temples as the door opens. He looks up, plastering on a polite smile as CHRISTIAN nods at him, newspaper in hand.

CHRISTIAN  
Hello, Nick.

NICK nods, tilting his laptop screen down, pulling it closer to his chest.

NICK  
Hi.

CHRISTIAN raises his eyebrows with a joking smile.

CHRISTIAN  
Are you actually studying? Has the world ended?

He laughs, as NICK nods, awkwardly joining in.

NICK  
Yeah, it's… You know, it's really important and stuff.

CHRISTIAN nods, awkwardly looking around him as NICK looks back down at the screen, the document barely half-full.

CHRISTIAN  
What is it?

NICK shrugs, nervously laughing.

NICK  
Just an essay thing. I-- I really need to get it done for tomorrow.

CHRISTIAN nods.

CHRISTIAN  
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. 

He trails off as NICK nods back at him, looking down at his laptop screen again and seeing his reflection in it. He's completely expressionless and not like himself at all. He hates it. Himself.

CHRISTIAN  
I'm really proud of you.

NICK looks up, surprised at the suddenness of the statement.

CHRISTIAN  
For actually buckling down for once.

NICK nods, and upon seeing CHRISTIAN smile at him, he forces himself to smile again.

NICK  
Okay. Thanks.

CHRISTIAN nods, tucking the newspaper under his arm.

CHRISTIAN  
I'll leave you to it, then.

NICK nods as CHRISTIAN walks out. The second the door closes, NICK sighs deeply, letting his head hang back for a moment. He breathes in and looks back down, beginning to type again, one letter at a time, not really understanding what he's writing, but doing it anyway.

The door opens again, with a yell of:

MATTHEW [O.S.]  
Nick! 

NICK looks up as MATTHEW runs in, a wide smile on his face. NICK quickly looks back at his laptop, trying to go back to work as MATTHEW sits next to him.

MATTHEW  
[whining] Nick…

NICK reluctantly looks at him, trying to push back a smile.

NICK  
What?

MATTHEW  
Can we go swimming today?

He bats his eyelashes at NICK, laughing to himself as NICK sharply inhales, glancing down at his laptop.

NICK  
I-- I got a lot of work, Matthew.

MATTHEW's smile falls as he scrunches his face up in mock-disgust.

MATTHEW  
So?

NICK sighs, gesturing down at his laptop.

NICK  
I gotta do it.

MATTHEW's mock-disgust turns to sadness as he pouts.

MATTHEW  
But you said--

NICK sighs, frustrated.

NICK  
I say a lot of stupid things that I don’t mean, Matthew. You shouldn’t listen to me.

MATTHEW scoots away from him.

MATTHEW  
You’re being mean.

NICK blinks rapidly, trying to find a way to fix it.

NICK  
No, I’m not. I'm just being… 

He can't find the right word, shrugging and looking away, trying not to look guilty.

MATTHEW  
No. You're being mean. 

He jumps off the sofa.

MATTHEW  
I’m going to Gabe. At least he still plays with me.

He runs out the door, slamming it behind him as NICK looks down at his laptop. He sighs and slams it shut, reaching into his pocket and finding - nothing. He groans, balling his fists up and hitting the sofa. Then silence. He slowly opens the laptop again and gets back to work.


	3. CLIP THREE: "Drown Our Sorrows"

**WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 11TH, 18:14**

_"Green Light" by Lorde_ plays as we pan over the skyline in the evening, the stars slowly beginning to come out as people drive home.

INT. NICK AND LUKE’S ROOM, NICK’S HOUSE

NICK sits on his bed, a thick textbook sitting on his lap and he slowly turns the page, his face completely confused as he attempts to read. He slowly lets out a sigh, closing it over and leaning back to lie down. He stares up at the ceiling - the black mould slowly climbing towards him.

He reaches over to his phone and picks it up - new messages from clients asking where he is, Instagram notifications, but he ignores them all. He opens his messages with JAMES and stares down at them. They blur together, and he quickly puts the phone back down. 

He sits up, going to the end of his bed and picking up a jacket - and begins to search through the pockets, almost desperately. Suddenly - a faint knock in the distance. NICK stops still and drops the jacket, like it's a crime scene, and looks up. It's not at his door. He slowly looks back down when the knock comes again, this time tapping out the tune to “Womaniser” by Britney Spears.

NICK looks up, confused for a moment, and then a smile slowly spreads across his face. He jumps up and slides on his socks across the hardwood floor towards the door.

EXT. FRONT DOOR

NICK opens the door to see JAMES standing in front of him, his hair a mess, his eyes red. NICK is speechless for a moment as JAMES attempts to smile.

NICK  
Hey. 

JAMES nods at him, looking behind NICK into the house as NICK awkwardly stands straighter, trying to take up more space in the doorway.

NICK  
What's up?

JAMES shrugs, looking down.

JAMES  
I-- I just really wanted to talk to you.

NICK stiffens, more scared than anything.

NICK  
What about?

JAMES awkwardly laughs.

JAMES  
Maybe you should… Close the door?

NICK nods, slips a pair of shoes on, and steps out of the house, closing the door silently behind him.

NICK  
What?

JAMES looks around nervous for a moment as NICK starts to fidget with his hands, tapping them against the sides of his thighs.

JAMES  
I just-- I-- Can you hook me up?

NICK's mouth falls open, blinking rapidly for a few moments.

NICK  
[quieter] With what?

JAMES rolls his eyes, hands in his pockets.

JAMES  
I-- I just wanna get fucked up. I'm one beer away from downloading Tinder and just fucking the first woman who'll take me.

NICK’s eyes go wide as he nods slowly, awkwardly beginning to laugh.

NICK  
Um, I… I'm actually trying to stop that stuff now.

JAMES furrows his brow.

JAMES  
What? Why?

NICK shrugs, still laughing.

NICK  
I…

He awkwardly trails off, shrugging as JAMES looks him up and down, still confused, and NICK folds into himself, self-conscious.

JAMES  
Is it to do with the hair?

NICK shrugs, looking away.

NICK  
I just-- I'm trying to get more serious.

JAMES nods, rolling his eyes again.

JAMES  
Okay, whatever. Can you help me or not?

NICK laughs quickly, stopping himself before too long, and shrugging.

NICK  
I… I don't know. I shouldn't.

JAMES looks at him - really look at him - as NICK looks determinedly down at his feet.

JAMES  
You look awful.

NICK snorts, more like himself.

NICK  
Yeah, I fucking quit all drugs cold chicken.

A beat. JAMES laughs a little, looking at him, confused.

JAMES  
Do-- Do you mean cold turkey?

NICK's eyes go wide for a moment, and then he laughs, his shoulders de-tensing a little.

NICK  
Yeah. Whatever.

They trail off into silence for a few moments, some people walking past them as NICK blows out some air. JAMES looks at him, genuinely worried.

JAMES  
Nick, I've tried that quitting shit. It really fucks you up, it just hurts and-- And you don't deserve that.

NICK looks at him for a moment and then sighs, shaking his head.

NICK  
What do you want me to do, Jimmy?

JAMES takes a moment and a breath, looking him in the eyes.

JAMES  
I just don't want to be alone anymore. I-- I know you ran before but please. I just… I want you to stay.

A moment. NICK thinks of the possibility, his eyes softening. 

NICK  
I want to, but… 

He cuts himself off, glancing back at the house.

JAMES  
What your parents think doesn't matter, Nick. They don't own you. They aren't you.

NICK looks. JAMES quickly pats his arm - NICK sharply inhales like he's just been burned.

JAMES  
It's your choice, at the end of the day, but it's not theirs.

NICK nods, looking away, trying to look as indifferent as possible.

NICK  
Okay.

JAMES nods, turning and begins to walk away. NICK looks back at the house, and sighs, giving in, beginning to walk after him.

NICK  
Oh, fuck it. I'm never gonna be the perfect fucking son they want.

JAMES turns to him, grinning, and hugs him tightly, NICK stiffening at the contact again.

JAMES  
You're a perfect fucking friend.

NICK hugs him back, patting him on the back, and then pulls away. JAMES reaches out and messes his hair up, NICK laughing along with him.

NICK  
Come on, let's drown our sorrows.

They begin to walk off together, and JAMES takes a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket. NICK watches him as he puts one into his mouth and hands the pack over to him. NICK thinks for a moment, and then takes one, as JAMES lights his and hands the lighter to NICK. NICK takes a moment and lights his up, taking a deep, deep inhale from it, closing his eyes in relief and ecstasy. He blows the smoke out into the camera and smiles to himself.


	4. CLIP FOUR: "When There's No One Looking"

**THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 12TH, 20:28**

INT. HALLWAY, FLAT BLOCK

NICK very quickly and awkwardly makes his way down the hallway, keeping his head down as he passes people by - trying to be anonymous just makes him more noticeable. He eventually reaches a door and knocks on it. And waits. And waits.

INT. LIVING AREA, JOEL’S FLAT

A muscular East Asian guy - JOEL - opens the front door, and NICK is standing there, awkwardly smiling.

NICK  
Hi.

JOEL  
Nick, right?

NICK  
Yeah. Good that you’re not a murderer.

They share an awkward laugh, doing a bored old routine.

NICK  
So… What are we gonna do?

Smash cut to:

INT. JOEL’S ROOM

NICK and JOEL are kissing on the bed for a good few moments, NICK keeping JOEL on top of him, completely covered up, before NICK’s phone vibrates in his pocket. He awkwardly pulls away from JOEL, laughing a little and sits up, looking down at his phone - it’s JOSEFINA. His face turns concerned.

NICK  
Mum?

JOEL sits up next to him.

JOSEFINA [V.O.]  
Nick, where are you? It’s getting late.

NICK awkwardly looks around the room, coughing to fill up time.

NICK  
I-- I’m studying at Theo’s. I lost track of time. I’ll be home as soon as I can.

JOSEFINA [V.O.]  
Okay. Just send me a text next time you’re out so late.

NICK  
I will.

He hangs up and awkwardly laughs, looking back over to JOEL.

NICK  
Sorry, just my mum.

JOEL raises an eyebrow at him.

JOEL  
How old are you again?

NICK awkwardly laughs, looking away.

NICK  
Twenty… 

He trails off as if he’s going to say another number, but then he doesn’t. JOEL loses all humour, giving him a hard look.

JOEL  
How old are you, Nick?

NICK looks down at his lap, sighing.

NICK  
Seventeen…

JOEL shakes his head, blowing out some air. 

JOEL  
Jesus Christ.

NICK awkwardly laughs a little, nodding.

JOEL  
You can't be doing stuff like this. It's illegal and, frankly, it's wrong not to tell someone your age. I’m literally, like seven years older than you.

NICK looks down, blinking rapidly, not really able to hide his guilt.

NICK  
I'm sorry.

NICK looks up at him, forcing a smile.

NICK  
I-- I'm so…

He lets his face fall, letting out a breath and rubbing his temples, quickly covering his face up - he can't let anyone see.

JOEL  
Are you okay?

NICK scoffs, laughing loudly, looking up.

NICK  
What? Why? I-- I'm fine.

His voice breaks as he keeps laughing, shaking his head as JOEL watches him, perplexed and concerned.

NICK  
I'm so, totally fine.

He awkwardly trails off, letting his head fall into his hands.

JOEL  
You're about to cry, come on. Talk to me.

NICK snorts and looks up at him, wiping his dry eyes.

NICK  
Stranger I met on Grindr? That's trustworthy.

JOEL shifts away from him.

JOEL  
Okay, I'm not gonna sleep with you. Obviously. You got shit going on and I've been told by many a drunk girl that I give great advice, so spill.

NICK awkwardly shrugs, looking down, as JOEL gives him a "come on" look. NICK sighs, sitting up, running a hand through his hair.

NICK  
I… I’m not good at talking. I’m a listener, too. I just… Whenever I see someone weighed down by shit, I’m always like “Hey, I can take that”, “Hey, I can take that”, “Hey, I can take that”.

He laughs a little, JOEL nodding along.

JOEL  
And then you’re the one carrying enough shit for five different people and the shit you had was heavy enough.

NICK nods, forcing the smile to fall from his face.

NICK  
Yeah…

He breathes in and puts on a smile again, shrugging, as JOEL keeps looking at him, serious.

JOEL  
Come on. Boy trouble?

NICK laughs, mostly to himself as he nods.

NICK  
In many senses of the word, yes.

JOEL  
Okay, give it to me quick.

NICK snorts.

NICK  
That’s my line.

JOEL raises an eyebrow.

JOEL  
Humour as a defense mechanism? How Gen Z.

NICK rolls his eyes, his laughter more awkward now as he trails off.

NICK  
Fuck you…

He keeps quiet for a moment, looking away as JOEL sighs.

JOEL  
Come on. Talk to your gay, Japanese big brother.

NICK looks at him and considers it.

NICK  
Well… 

He bites his lip, and then sighs, giving in.

NICK  
I’ve been in love with my best friend, James, for about as long as I’ve known him. He fucked this girl, Rori, and I fell in love with her too. We dated. Now she’s dating someone else that none of my friends will tell me about. And James was dating her best friend, Liz, who’s so perfect and smart and white and skinny - she looks like if a Taylor Swift song grew short legs and went to Oxford--

JOEL snorts as NICK goes on:

NICK  
But then she dumped him because he started to question shit. Both monogamy and heterosexuality. Side note - me and James did make out a couple of times, but it was all very straight. For him. Anyways, James has recently developed a crush on a boy I believed to be myself, but instead it’s on this skinny, floral shirt wearing, musical theatre doing, white as all hell, fucking twink, who’s biggest flaw is that he does some weird art shit. You might have seen his video of him having a very well-acted breakdown at a talent show last year. Alistair Fletcher.

NICK takes a breath, looking at JOEL.

JOEL  
I have no idea who that is, I’m a full adult.

NICK's mouth hangs open for a moment.

NICK  
Oh. Right.

He clears his throat, going on:

NICK  
Anyways, basically no one will ever genuinely love me because no one actually wants to talk to me besides me selling them drugs, giving them advice or being the sassy best friend.

He laughs a little, awkwardly trailing off.

NICK  
And my parents want the perfect, genius, Filipino son.

JOEL nods, breathing out a laugh.

JOEL  
Oh, I hear that.

NICK nods back at him.

NICK  
Yeah. I just have to be so smart and so conservative, and “why couldn’t I keep dating that nice Chinese girl? She wants to be a lawyer, now that’s a good career”.

NICK rolls his eyes, sighing.

JOEL  
Yeah. God, you should’ve heard my mum when I told her I was gonna become an art critic.

NICK’s eyes go wide.

NICK  
Oh God. I don’t even have a plan for what I want to do. I’m just… I just go between trying so hard to be the perfect Asian son for them and being so smart and serious, and then going to be the perfect queer best friend for my friends, and I’m so funny and good to be around, but I’m… I’m just this watered down white-washed version of myself. But I don’t fucking know shit about my culture. I don’t even know where I would go to learn about it.

JOEL  
The internet helps for that. Trust me.

NICK nods, hunching his shoulders in on himself.

NICK  
Yeah, but… Being Asian and being bisexual don’t seem to line up for me. It’s like there are two mes? One for home, one for school.

JOEL  
What about the you when there’s no one looking?

NICK hesitates for a moment - he doesn’t know.

NICK  
That’s… That’s where I’m finding most of the problems, ‘cause… I do not like who that person is.

He laughs a little, but then stops himself, fidgeting with his hands.

NICK  
I’m mean. I’m mean as a joke because that’s what people like, and… I was actually making a connection with this person, and… I hurt them. Because I think I’m like them.

JOEL furrows his brow, confused.

JOEL  
What are they like?

NICK takes a moment, breathing in and out, resting his hands flat on his lap. He looks down at it for a moment, and then shakes himself, looking back up and quickly saying:

NICK  
They’re… They’re trans. Non-binary. Genderfluid. It’s all in their Instagram bio, it’s whatever.

He shrugs, looking away, repeatedly tucking his hair behind his ear.

JOEL  
Oh. Have-- Have you told anyone?

NICK shakes his head, firmly closing his mouth to stop from laughing.

JOEL  
Oh. Well, thank you. It’s an honour to be told, and… You’re really brave.

NICK snorts, shaking his head as he looks back over at him.

NICK  
Oh, I’m not. I’ve said some transphobic shit in the past, and the more I think about it, it’s because I… might be? And that’s so fucking cliché and I hate shit like that, don’t you?

JOEL  
Yeah, as-- As a fictional concept, but that’s who you are.

NICK rolls his eyes.

NICK  
I don’t know who I am! And what I know, I hate, which is why I’m here!

JOEL looks at him for a moment, completely confused.

JOEL  
What?

NICK give him a look.

NICK  
Seriously. You’re the one who wrote your profile, “YoungDaddy01”. [sarcastic] Nice name, by the way.

JOEL laughs a little, awkwardly shrugging.

JOEL  
Not… My best work?

NICK laughs once, and then speaks like he's telling a joke, but his words are completely serious.

NICK  
I want someone to hurt me. I want to be told I’m bad. I want to be punished because I know I’m bad. I’m not a good boy. I’m… I’m wrong.

He drops the joking tone, blinking rapidly as he can't stop himself talking.

NICK  
Seriously, any time I’m attracted to a guy, I feel disgusting, but… Then I seek out guys who tell me I’m disgusting and it feels so good because someone else can see that me sucking a dick is wrong. And I got mega daddy issues. Obviously.

He laughs a little, trailing off as he realises JOEL isn't going to laugh.

NICK  
And it’s super hard to find any girls who want to do that shit, and I’m not even that into girls. Like-- Like I am, but I have a bias towards guys, you know? And guys who like guys tend to have a “no fats, no fems, no Asians” rule, and I happen to be all three of those things, which means… I can’t suit anyone. Unless I can bring drugs or shit.

JOEL nods, sucking in his teeth.

JOEL  
Yeah, I hear that. 

There's a pause, both of them deep in thought.

JOEL  
I feel like if I didn’t have abs, no one would want me.

NICK snorts, and then lets silence fall again.

NICK  
I feel like if I didn’t have no boundaries and let guys do whatever they want to me, no one would want me. And I just… I just want someone to want to be with me. In literally any way.

He stays quiet. He looks down at himself - he never let himself say anything like that before.

JOEL  
Your friends want to be with you.

NICK thinks for a moment, and shrugs.

NICK  
If we didn’t go to the same school and didn’t run in the same crowds, I feel like they wouldn’t even know my name.

He laughs a little, looking away and around the room. Distraction time. He looks at a green mat rolled up next to a dresser.

NICK  
Nice yoga mat.

JOEL follows his gaze and smiles.

JOEL  
Oh. It’s a prayer mat, actually.

NICK looks at him, his brow furrowed in confusion.

JOEL  
I’m a converted Muslim.

NICK's eyes go wide for a moment

NICK  
Oh. Cool.

JOEL raises an eyebrow at him.

JOEL  
Are you one of those people who hate religion?

NICK awkwardly laughs, flustered.

NICK  
I just-- I mean, if you like it, good for you. I won’t say shit. Well, I’ll make an edgy joke, because that’s how I live and I hate it, but… I just don’t see the point.

JOEL  
It’s just knowing someone up there wants you to be here. No matter what.

NICK  
Don’t Muslims hate gays?

JOEL closes his eyes, taking a deep breath, used to that question, and NICK sighs, clenching his fists, frustrated at himself for getting it wrong again.

JOEL  
A lot of religions are rooted in bigotry, but religion is a personal thing. You choose what you believe in.

NICK relaxes a little, nodding.

NICK  
I remember James saying something like that… He’s Jewish.

JOEL  
Oh, that’s cool.

NICK nods, as there’s an awkward pause.

NICK  
I was raised Catholic.

JOEL laughs, nodding to himself.

JOEL  
That honestly explains a lot.

NICK  
Wow, you sound like my therapist.

JOEL raises an eyebrow at him and NICK nods.

NICK  
Yeah, he’s really expensive, so I can barely see him, but apparently he “helps” with my “drug problem” that my parents think I have. I-- I don’t.

He laughs, kind of awkwardly, not really able to convince himself.

JOEL  
Do you know what helps me?

NICK squints at him.

NICK  
I’m not going to the gym with you.

JOEL laughs, shaking his head.

JOEL  
Tea. Calms me down.

NICK drily raises his eyebrows.

NICK  
Wow. Two queer Asians drinking tea. Original.

JOEL laughs, NICK letting himself join in.

JOEL  
I see your point. 

NICK  
You know, I used to not be able to say that word. 'Cause my friend didn't like it. And-- And I convinced myself I didn't like it, but... I do.

JOEL nods, as NICK looks around the room - he’s suddenly aware of how adult it is and how childish he is.

NICK  
I think I might just go, actually. My mum’s probably worried.

JOEL nods, not offended in any way.

JOEL  
Okay.

NICK nods, trying not to look too relieved and/or surprised at how easy that was.

JOEL  
You can message me, if you ever want to talk. I don’t know a lot about gender stuff, but I know it takes a brave person to apologise when they do something wrong and mean it. And you’re brave as hell, Nick.

NICK goes to shake his head, but then stops himself. He smiles at him, looking him in the eye.

NICK  
Thanks, Joel.

He stands up, brushing himself down.

JOEL  
Now go and find who you are and love them.

NICK takes a moment - smiling widely. He then nods and heads over to the door. Then he stops, just before touching the handle, and turns back to him.

NICK  
I hope you love you too, Joel.

JOEL nods, exhaling.

JOEL  
I’m getting there, kid.

NICK nods again, and walks out of the door.

INT. LIVING ROOM

NICK lets out a breath, letting his shoulders slump as he looks at the room for a moment. He thinks, trying to stand up a little straighter, but then slumps again. He takes a little baggie out of his pocket and takes some pills out of it, swallowing them down with a wince, and walks out of frame - the camera lingering on the rainbow flag hanging on the back of the door.


	5. CLIP FIVE: "Incoherent"

**FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13TH, 22:23**

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET

JAMES and NICK walk down the street together, stumbling slightly, laughing together at nothing in particular - clearly under some sort of influence. JAMES pokes NICK’s cheek as NICK laughs, swatting him away.

JAMES  
What happened to cold chicken?

NICK snorts, squinting at him.

NICK  
I don’t… What does that mean?

JAMES shrugs, falling over his feet a little - making both of them laugh harder.

JAMES  
I don’t know.

NICK looks up and down the row of houses they’re walking past - most of the windows are dark.

NICK  
Where did Theo say they were again?

JAMES takes his phone out of his pocket and squints at it.

JAMES  
Just, like… Left here?

He points ahead as NICK nods, smiling to himself.

NICK  
You're so smart.

He quickly clears his throat, laughing to cover up what he just said.

NICK  
Let’s get fucking incoherent. I don’t wanna have a thought ever again.

JAMES laughs, a little quieter, still looking down at his phone. NICK sighs, still thinking too hard, as they walk on past the camera, _"Fluorescent Adolescent" by Arctic Monkeys_ beginning to play.

INT. LIVING ROOM, SOMEONE’S HOUSE

NICK and JAMES walk into the house and look out at the people in it - it’s not that crowded, but it’s still reasonably busy. Both of them scan the place, and NICK watches someone come out of a door to the kitchen and he smiles, dragging JAMES towards it.

INT. KITCHEN

NICK and JAMES walk into the kitchen together, just as wasted as everyone else there. They manage to push through the crowd and JAMES grabs two open bottles of something, handing one to NICK and keeping one for himself, the song fading to the background.

NICK  
What is this?

JAMES  
I don’t know.

They both take a sip and NICK immediately winces, disgusted, as JAMES nods approvingly. When JAMES looks over at him, NICK shifts his face to a smile - a pained smile, but a smile nonetheless. JAMES laughs as he takes another sip, NICK placing his bottle back somewhere on the counter. He takes a little baggie full of pills out of his pocket and takes one. JAMES sees and raises an eyebrow at him - NICK instantly gives him one.

JAMES  
Thank you so much for coming. I missed you so much this past week.

NICK nods, trying not to look too pleased.

NICK  
You couldn’t keep me away for long.

JAMES laughs a little, nodding.

JAMES  
[genuine] Thank you.

NICK smiles, completely taken with him, despite it all as JAMES looks out the kitchen window.

JAMES  
Oh, there’s Theo and Jake!

JAMES runs off, NICK watching him. He leans forward, considering following for a moment, but then doesn't. He looks back down at the pills in his hands, and downs them. He winces, grabbing the nearest thing to him to chase it - he grabs the bottle he’d just drunk from and screws his face up, completely disgusted. A PERSON walks up to him, a little too drunk to be nervous.

PERSON  
Hey, where’d you get those?

NICK  
What?

PERSON  
The pills.

NICK  
Oh, I have plenty.

The PERSON looks through their pockets.

PERSON  
I can give you a tenner?

NICK looks around for a moment, at his hands, at the PERSON, at the kitchen window. He sighs and shrugs, nothing else to lose.

NICK  
Yeah, sure.

He takes another baggie out of his pocket and shakes the PERSON’s hand, taking the money from them.

PERSON  
Do you want me to tell people you’re selling?

A beat. NICK sighs, giving in and nodding.

NICK  
Yeah, why the fuck not?

The PERSON nods, grinning, and disappears back into the crowd. NICK looks around the counter and sees a can of something to his liking. He takes it, shifts some drinks over, and takes a seat on the counter. 

He takes a swig, keeping the bottle pressed to his lips as the party moves around him in fast forward, people zooming past as NICK stays still. He finishes his drink, gasping for air, as the party returns to normal speed, the song switching to _“Somebody Else” by VÉRITÉ_. 

NICK reaches into his pockets at random and pulls out a baggie of white powder. He nods to himself as he looks up to see SANDY and ESTHER walking towards him - they don’t see him, so he jumps off the counter and turns his back, listening in on their conversation.

SANDY  
Seriously, I can feel every atom of flesh on my calves. Sophie’s drills are worse than that dancing you had me do.

ESTHER  
You  _ volunteered  _ for that.

SANDY  
I know, but still. I’m not made for the stage.

They share a laugh, happy together as NICK inhales sharply, so deeply jealous.

ESTHER  
You’re good in your own field.

SANDY laughs, loud and unapologetic.

SANDY  
Like-- Like the literal football field!

ESTHER joins in as SANDY sighs, trailing off.

SANDY  
Oh, I liked that.

NICK sighs to himself and opens the little bag. He sticks his finger into it and licks it. He lets out a sigh of relief, going in for another as:

LIZ  
Hey, have you guys seen Rori?

NICK’s entire body tenses.

ESTHER  
Not in a bit, why?

He starts to take in more of the powder as they continue ti talk.

LIZ  
I need someone to complain about James to who understands my specific complaints. If you, you know, catch my drift.

SANDY  
[sarcastic] Yes. Fun times.

There’s a pause, NICK taking a deep breath, resting a hand on the counter, steadying himself.

SANDY  
I think I saw her go upstairs with Bree a while ago.

There’s another pause as NICK glances over to see LIZ walking away, and he just stares after for a moment - longing. He shakes himself out, and begins to walk out too, following her through the crowd and out to:

INT. LIVING ROOM

NICK walks into the living room, the song taking over the audio again as some people walk up to him, beginning to talk animatedly as he forces a smile on his face, nodding along and laughing. One of the people hold their hand out, and NICK shakes it.

Another hand appears - NICK shakes it.

Another hand - NICK shakes it.

Another hand - NICK shakes it.

Another hand - NICK shakes it and, as the music changing to _"Sugar, We're Goin' Down" by Fall Out Boy,_ he looks up at the GIRL who owns the hand. Her hair is bright green and down to her shoulders. NICK smiles, not completely there.

NICK  
I seriously love your hair.

The GIRL smiles, pleased.

GIRL  
Really? Wow, thank you.

NICK nods, gaining confidence.

NICK  
Yeah, it’s-- It’s really pretty.

GIRL  
I just got it done. 

NICK  
I love the colour.

GIRL  
Oh, thanks!

She laughs, flipping her hair back.

GIRL  
I love living in Brighton. Literally, I cannot count the amount of times guys have complimented my hair, it’s just the ultimate gay/lesbian solidarity.

NICK freezes, his entire face falling.

NICK  
I-- I’m not gay.

The GIRL eyes go wide as she awkward laughs.

GIRL  
Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I just… assumed.

NICK nods, awkwardly laughing.

NICK  
Yeah, um, I was, um…

He shrugs, incredibly embarrassed.

NICK  
I was flirting with you, but I know that’s not what you--

The GIRL nods quickly.

GIRL  
Yeah, sorry. Um, I’m just… I’m not really interested. Due to, you know… Lesbianism.

They share a laugh, both of them not really wanting to be there anymore.

NICK  
Yeah. That’s fair. I’m just-- Yeah.

He moves to walk away, but then pulls back, impulsive, reckless.

NICK  
Why-- Why did you think I was gay?

The GIRL shrugs, awkward. 

GIRL  
Just… Your general… Vibe? Aesthetic?

NICK clenches his jaw, trying to widen his shoulders, trying to be different, trying to emulate every man he can see.

NICK  
Right. Right. Okay. Bye.

He quickly walks off, pulling a baggie at random from one of his pockets, opening it and downing all of the pills in it dry, wincing and groaning as he walks out of the door.

EXT. BACK GARDEN

NICK walks into the back garden, closing the kitchen door behind him as he goes down the steps, stepping forward expecting there to be one more, but there isn’t, so he stumbles forward, bumping into someone’s back. The person turns around - it’s JAKE, who laughs a little.

JAKE  
Nick, slow down, Jesus.

NICK wipes his face, trying to walk forward.

NICK  
I’m fine. 

He stumbles, and JAKE helps steadying him. NICK pushes his away, his head shaking as he squints at JAKE.

NICK  
You’re not my dad, Jake, back off.

JAKE laughs a bit, awkward.

JAKE  
I’m just trying to help.

NICK rolls his eyes, stumbling slightly to the side as he nods.

NICK  
Yeah, you’re so good at helping me, aren’t you?

JAKE stiffens, guilt-stricken.

JAKE  
What’s that meant to mean?

NICK laughs to himself, bitter, swaying from side to side as he wipes the sweat from his face.

NICK  
You just go stand and watch, Jake. That’s all you ever do when shit actually happens.

JAKE tries to put a hand on NICK’s arm, but NICK sloppily pushes him away.

JAKE  
Maybe we should get some water and talk about this?

NICK shakes his head and starts to walk away.

NICK  
Yeah, I’m not fucking thirsty.

He walks past JAMES and THEO, who stare after him, confused. NICK keeps walking, rubbing his head.

THEO  
Nick.

NICK ignores him, some people turning to look as he keeps walking.

THEO  
Nick!

THEO starts to wall after him as NICK takes a deep breath, so, so tired.

THEO  
Hey, dickhead!

NICK turns around and aggressively shrugs at him, still swaying from side to side.

THEO  
What is wrong with you? You’re being so…

THEO waves his hand in the air, not able tp find the word as NICK shakes his head, laughing.

NICK  
No, this is what you came here for! This is the show!

He looks around at the people surrounding them, waving his arms around.

NICK  
Come on! Everyone have a good old laugh!

His laugh trails off, his body swaying more and more as his voice cracks, seemingly on the verge of tears. JAMES reaches out to him.

JAMES  
Nick--

NICK quickly moves out of the way, shaking his head.

NICK  
No. No, I’m not… No.

JAMES looks at him, confused, as NICK blinks rapidly, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand.

JAMES  
You’re not… Nick?

NICK laughs a little, his voice shaking.

NICK  
I’m whatever you want me to be, baby.

He stumbles to the side and falls onto the ground, his head hitting the grass as all sound cuts out, only a loud, high, consistent buzz. NICK’s eyes flicker open and closed as he stares out at the purple flowers planted across from him. His body begins to shake a little, unconsciously, as NICK’s eyes slowly close, people beginning to crowd him and kneel next to him, their body all coming together and colouring the screen black.

_ CUT TO END CREDITS AS SILENCE PLAYS _

_ CUT TO BLACK _


End file.
